Bum Smell: Public Nuisance or Serious Health Threat?

Bums fucking stink! Everyone knows the smell. We’ve all had to put up with the stench at some point. Often we cover our noses in disgust and sometimes we just take it, wallowing in its offensive glory. It takes a lot to stink that bad. I don’t know how they manage it, but, I’ll be damned, it’s almost impressive. However, I’m wondering now how much of a public health issue these stinky outcasts pose to the rest of us. Their unwashed body and clothes are crawling with bacteria. I’m curious. When a bum gets on a bus how much bacteria is transferred to unwitting commuters? Picture this: It’s 8:30 a.m. You’re waiting for the bus at your normal bus stop, coffee thermos in hand. You’re dreading the thought of standing up in a completely packed bus for the 20-minute-ride downtown. As the bus approaches, you notice several unoccupied seats in the front. You breathe a sigh of relief. You can enjoy your coffee while sitting down reading the paper on a nice ride to the city. As the bus doors open the smell slaps you in the face. It’s a mixture of urine and alcohol with an excessive dose of general bum stink. The back of the bus is completely packed. A few brave souls are sitting within 10 feet of the olfactory terrorist. As you walk by the bum the smell is overwhelming. You barely catch yourself from gagging and move to the back of the bus. Two stops later, the offender gets off, but leaves his foul stink floating through the stuffy bus. As new riders board the seats begin to fill up, yet every one of them manages to avoid the tainted seat. Until one unlucky fellow sits in the cesspool, thereby bathing his clothes in bum stink. You watch this guy and can relate to him. He looks almost like you. He definitely smells the bum stink. He’s wondering if it’s his seat. He looks around. You notice that the bus is completely packed. The sardines in the back were now spread evenly through the length of the bus. You can see this guy wants to move. With no option but to take it, the poor guy shrugs his shoulders, puts on his earphones, and you all continue on your merry ways. As you exit the bus downtown you wallow in the fresh air of car exhaust, thankful you are finally off that stinky bus. As you begin to sip your coffee, you catch a faint whiff of bum stink. You dump out the thermoses tainted contents and continue on your merry way.

Now, picture this: It’s 8:30 a.m. You’re waiting at the bus stop, dreading standing up for the 20-minute-ride downtown, yadayadayada. As the bus doors open the smell slaps you in the face. You look around for the source of this stench and notice an empty seat. There are rarely open seats on this bus. You’re excitement about this rarity clouds your logic and you sit down in the stinkhole. After a few stops, the stench is almost unbearable. You realize this is obviously the bum seat. A wave of embarrassment and panic washes over you. You look around and notice the bus has filled up around you. There is nothing you can do but soak in the stench. You exit the bus downtown, thankful to be away from that tainted seat. You run your fingers along the backside of your pants and lift your hand to your nose. You breath in that wretched smell again and immediately gag. You are now tainted with bum smell. Do you go to work smelling like a bum? Do you call in sick ten minutes before your shift? You decide to tough it out and continue on your not so merry way. You sit in your cubicle and you can still smell the bum. Others in you office don’t notice the smell, but in your stinky paranoia, you swear they’re giving you the stink eye. You catch faint whiffs of bum smell throughout the day. Whether the smell is real or imagined is irrelevant. The bum smell undoubtedly ruined your day. You don’t feel right until you get home and shower. Now free of all smells bum, you are curious if you were truly carrying around bum stink all day. You pick up your pants, smell the backside, and immediately gag. Bum smell is transferable. That’s fucking gross.

Three Cheers for Comcast!!!

The Portland Trailblazers are currently pressing Comcast to license their broadcasts to other carriers. Thanks guys, that really helps. Too bad the Blazers signed an ill-advised ten-year contract with Comcast. Three years into it and Comcast still hasn’t fulfilled its promise to allow Blazer games on other television carriers. Who saw this coming? Well, unfortunately, anybody that can read. When the contract was signed, Blazers fans were pissed. John Canzano was pissed. Other television carriers were pissed. Why? Because Comcast single handedly decides the rates it will charge to carry Comcast Sports Net, the official home of the Blazers. In a brilliant ploy for market share, Comcast set the rates too high for any sensible corporation to comply. Thereby ensuring the only way to get the Blazer games is by ordering Comcast.

Now the Blazers front office is beginning to see their folly. Unfortunately there’s very little they can do about it for 7 more years. See, that’s the funny thing about contracts. They’re BINDING, you fucking idiots. To this day I still refuse to forfeit my integrity (money) to the knuckleheads at Comcast. Instead, I spend three times as much money by going to local bars for Blazer games. Hey, at least the beer is cheaper than the Rose Garden.

The funny thing is, I’ve adapted to the situation and have come to realize watching sports is much better when surrounded by other drunken idiots rooting for the Blazers. So tonight, when the Blazers play the hated L.A. Fakers, I’m going to offer a toast to Comcast. Thank you for your greed, thank you for your refusal to be reasonable, and most of all, thank you for getting me out of my house to socialize with all the other loyal Blazer fans who also refuse your strong arm tactics. Cheers Comcast!

The best American sport is.........hockey?

People take sports seriously, some people that is. Others write sports off as an epic waste of time and resources. Amid a failed economy, two foreign wars, and a bungled health care plan, I can understand their beef. However, sports provide us with an escape from this hellish reality. Furthermore, sports are a natural outlet for the aggressiveness of human nature. For those who write sports off as a waste of resources I ask: Would you rather all these sports fans take out their aggression in other ways? Imagine if the hundreds of thousands of sports fans that fill stadiums and arenas every week took out their natural aggression by fighting. I guarantee the world would be a much scarier place.

That said, the competitive nature of sports is what makes it so appealing. Unfortunately, in these days of million dollar salaries and half empty arenas some teams dominate the scene. No one wants to see their team end up losers, but inevitably this will happen sometimes. What strikes me is the gap between the best and the worst teams. This indicates the health of the league. If the gap is too wide, the outcomes of games becomes more predictable. The more predictable a league is the less fun it is to watch. Unfortunately, only one major American sports league passes this test. Any guesses? Here’s a clue: It involves large sweaty men colliding with each other regularly. Well, I guess that rules out baseball. Here’s the real clue: it involves ice. There we go, no confusion now, the only healthy American sports league is the National Hockey League. It’s a shame it’s the least popular of the four major sports. But hey, if we expand the group to five and add Major League Soccer, hockey’s not the least popular anymore. Unfortunately, the MLS isn’t quite there yet.

Here’s the skinny on the current state of competition in American sports. (I’m leaving out baseball because the season’s over, but take a look at those numbers and they prove my point.) The NFL has 32 teams with 15 of them having a winning record. The best team, Indianapolis, has a .933 winning percentage and the worst team, St. Louis, a mere .067. The NBA has 30 teams, 14 of which have winning records. The best team, the L.A. Lakers, have a winning percentage of .806 and the worst, New Jersey, a pathetic .065. This is an unbelievably large gap between the best and worst. Furthermore, most teams end up losers. Now to hockey. The NHL has 30 teams, 19 with winning records and an unbelievable 24 teams at .500 or above. However, comparing percentages between leagues is apples and oranges due to the NHL’s point system. Regardless, the worst team, Carolina, wins 25% of their games, a far cry from the 6% in the other two leagues. This competitiveness gives every NHL fan hope that their team will end up winners. In the big money leagues of football and basketball, fans of losing teams have very little chance of seeing their team rise up from the ashes. Occasionally, the surprise happens, just look at the Cincinnati Bengals. However, one could argue that their rise was inevitable. They have a talented roster and a great coach, what more do you need to succeed? To me the formula is clear, just add ice.

Sunday Brunch? Why am I still hungry?

Ah, Sunday mornings. Today’s Oregonian is so much more than just a shit salad for breakfast. It is an epic brunch with fecal flavor of every sort. It is also a case study in why I hate The Oregonian.

Today’s headlines speak volumes about di Merda’s intentions: “Climber dies, 2 lost on Hood”, “Business tax hike will hit few, but they’ll feel it” and, in all caps of course, “OREGON DROPPED THE BALL ON MERCURY”.

Lost climbers on Mt. Hood during a winter storm advisory is not headline news. Stupidity often makes headlines, but these hikers rank very low on my radar, let alone the world’s. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for these people and especially their families. Death is often tragic and nothing will change that. Unfortunately, pride and courage got in the way of these people’s common sense. We don’t need The Insalate di Merda warning us to stay away from extremely dangerous situations that common sense dictates we leave alone. There are much more important stories like ridiculous amounts of mercury pollution we can only avoid by moving out of the state. Unfortunately, this story was at least 10 years too late.

The now-closed Ash Grove Cement plant has been pumping toxic mercury in Oregon’s air for decades. This is public information that is easily accessible from a home computer. It has been for years. So why is The Oregonian just now insisting that somebody be held accountable. Where was their investigative journalism when we needed it? Why wasn’t the editorial board insisting the DEQ and EPA do something about this? And now they want to flaunt the headline proclaiming we’ve all been duped? Thanks.

Fortunately, the tax hike article isn’t half bad. It offers enough facts to let a reader make an informed decision. The di Merda bias is still there, but that’s unavoidable. What pisses me off is their regurgitation of professional opinions while claiming it’s their own “analysis”. I know the truth. The people they interview don’t always get their names in the paper but di Merda still steal their shit. They take their knowledge and opinions. But more importantly, they take their statistics. We all know the saying about liars and statistics.

So hats off to The Oregonian for, once again, pissing me off. Without the Blazers coverage I would probably stop reading di Merda. What’s that? Their NBA coverage isn’t original? You can read the same articles on ESPN.com a mere five minutes after the game? Oh fuck! I’ve been duped again.

Too many chefs spoil the sue?

Former students at the Western Culinary Institute are moving ahead with a lawsuit against their alma mater. They claim the school “overstated the value of its culinary education.” Well, no shit. They can’t find jobs and they’re overloaded with debt. Sound familiar? It sounds like pretty much every recent graduate from any higher learning institution.

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for these people. But I’m in the same boat and blaming PSU is the least of my worries.

I realize now I fucked up. Why should one pay $15,000 to learn what is readily available in the library? Because society tells you this is the only path to success. We are all socially ingrained with the belief that smart and successful people attend college. Society tells us that college graduates make significantly higher salaries. What they don’t tell you is that a 4-year degree is the new high school diploma. Or that personal connections are much more essential than a framed piece of paper indicating you’re educated.

College professors stress the importance of critical thinking. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to critically analyze the education situation when you’ve whole-heartedly invested in it. During my college years, any speck of doubt about the importance of a college education was wiped away by my steadfast belief that this would work out. It had to.

Yet here I am, two years later, still working the same shit jobs I slaved over in college. Has my pay increased? No. Am I happy? Definitely not. Have I opened up doors to golden opportunities? We’ll see about that one, life ain’t over yet.

The realities of life are far different than the fantasy-land depicted in WCI’s television commercials. Is it false advertising? Of course. But, that’s what TV’s all about: creating artificial consumer needs in an attempt to rake in the dough. In that way, WCI is no different than McDonalds. People are pissed because they bought into WCI’s spin. So naturally, they did what any good American would: sue their asses.

Hip-Hop High School. Putting the high in school.

Portland’s a city of great ideas. I hear this everywhere: media, friends, people in other states, professors, politicians, and sometimes even that strident voice inside my head. I still appreciate many of the civic feats that steered me here years ago. However, over the years my skepticism has grown exponentially. From ridiculous ideas like Dignity Village to civic boondoggles like the aerial tram I’ve lost faith in our process. I once saw Portland as a vibrant patch of green against the gummy grayness of most urban areas, a thriving garden consistently sprouting seeds into fruiting plants. However, upon closer inspection I began seeing the weeds. Not that I have anything against weeds. A lot of them are edible and you can even smoke some. A certain amount of them is both normal and healthy. But this garden is out of control. What we have is a jungle of idiocy.

Weeding is an essential task in gardening and, especially, in government. Thousands of potential civic projects are drawn up with our elected officials carefully choosing which projects will grow. Unfortunately, our leaders are idealistic idiots. Not that that’s a direct representation of the population or anything.

Once again, today’s Insalate di Merda, aka The Oregonian, reinforced my cynicism. One especially ridiculous item caught my eye: “Proposal for ‘hip-hop’ charter school gains support”. The idea is intriguing, especially to hip-hop lovers like myself. Why not teach kids how to rap, record, and generally succeed in life? There are several reasons why I don’t like it and I won’t like it. Here are 5 Thoughts on Hip-Hop High $chool.

1. Pump up the Volume

When I first read about this idea a few weeks ago I immediately laughed at its potential acronym, HHH. Is it time for another appearance from Happy Harry Hard-on? Only this time Christian Slater stars as a teacher at Hip-Hop High School. He teaches the kids all about pirate radio and starts the electronic revolution right here in Portland-fucking-Oregon.

2. Portland Public Schools are bad enough

Our schools already leave kids ill prepared for success in the global economy. Let’s not doom 200 more to an even worse fate. Studies show that learning the fundamentals of cognitive thinking becomes harder with time. Let’s not waste this essential period teaching kids about the fundamentals of rap. Even if that means giving them the inadequate education provided by Green City USA. It’s better than nothing.

3. Hip-Hop isn’t an essential life skill

Life is composed of hip-hop (among other things) but not comprised by it. You can claim you live and breath hip-hop. You can claim you eat, sleep, and shit it. You can even claim you mainline it daily just to keep your blood flowing. It’s simply not true. You can’t literally eat hip-hop. It won’t shelter or clothe you. Successful hip-hop artists got there through a mixture of street and school smarts, sweat and tears, and a healthy injection of luck. Anybody want to argue that Jay-Z and Dr. Dre are bad at math?

4. Is the Whitest City in America the right host?

Haven’t white people done enough to hip-hop? After Vanilla Ice, we owed it to African-Americans to stay out of hip-hop. Since then, hip-hop morphed into popular music. It spread across cultural, national, and ethnic boundaries. It’s hard to argue that hip-hop is completely black anymore. Regardless, white people aren’t logically qualified to express themselves through hip-hop. The only other hip-hop charter school is in Minneapolis, another liberal white city with a small black population. For the record, it’s not considered a success. But, the Portland school’s founders insist, this will somehow be different.

5. Hip-Hop exists in a fantasy world

Hip-hop has become an expression of capitalism. Every successful artist is a sell-out. It means they literally sold their personal artistic expression to the highest bidder. Popular hip-hop is about big money, flashy style, and most importantly, that the rapper your hearing right now is indisputably the greatest rapper in the world, ever. What about underground hip-hop? Money changes people. Rappers are underground only because they don’t have the exposure or talent. Any one of these guys would take the money and run. Give him $100,000 and in two weeks you’ll have a song about how him and his crew are the shit because they ride around in nice cars and drink middle-shelf liquor while hanging out with the finest women up and down the West Coast.

Really though, this is one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard. Luckily the proposal only passed through committee and is still subject to a full school board hearing on Dec. 14. Let’s hope this weed gets pulled. It’s growing fast and is becoming visible enough to attract the gardeners’ attention. Will the school board do the right thing? I say they take this weed and smoke it. It was a pipe-dream anyway.

Ducks to Rose Bowl. Swiss Cheese in Pasadena.

After 10 days of hype and hysterics, the Ducks and Beavs showed the world what the Pac-10 is all about: Fast play, high scores, and their most famous innovation yet, the Swiss Cheese Defense.

Defense wins championships, or so the mantra goes. Well it didn’t work that way in the Pac-10 this year. The Ducks won the title outright despite ranking as the Pac-10’s 3^rd best total defense and 5^th best scoring defense. Nationally the 7^th best team in the country ranks 27^th and 44^th respectively. Arizona State, the Pac-10’s best defensive team, went 4-8 this year. Its only two Pac-10 wins were against the Washington teams, not much of a morale booster. So defense didn’t win the Pac-10 title. What changed this year? During USC’s dominant run of championships they were the Pac-10’s most dominant defense, often ranking in the top five nationally. So when USC slipped it showed how weak the Pac-10 really is. Rabble. Rabble. Rabble. Rabble.

Bullshit. I’m sick of hearing all this crap. The Pac-10 is a little front-loaded. But the quality of defensive players the Pac-10 sends to the NFL proves how good these teams really are. The problem is they’re facing some of the most potent offenses in the nation. This explains why NFL rookies Jairus Byrd (Oregon) and Al Afalava (Oregon State) are so effective. They’ve played fast football before. They played in the Pac-10.