Bums fucking stink! Everyone knows the smell. We’ve all had to put up with the stench at some point. Often we cover our noses in disgust and sometimes we just take it, wallowing in its offensive glory. It takes a lot to stink that bad. I don’t know how they manage it, but, I’ll be damned, it’s almost impressive. However, I’m wondering now how much of a public health issue these stinky outcasts pose to the rest of us. Their unwashed body and clothes are crawling with bacteria. I’m curious. When a bum gets on a bus how much bacteria is transferred to unwitting commuters? Picture this: It’s 8:30 a.m. You’re waiting for the bus at your normal bus stop, coffee thermos in hand. You’re dreading the thought of standing up in a completely packed bus for the 20-minute-ride downtown. As the bus approaches, you notice several unoccupied seats in the front. You breathe a sigh of relief. You can enjoy your coffee while sitting down reading the paper on a nice ride to the city. As the bus doors open the smell slaps you in the face. It’s a mixture of urine and alcohol with an excessive dose of general bum stink. The back of the bus is completely packed. A few brave souls are sitting within 10 feet of the olfactory terrorist. As you walk by the bum the smell is overwhelming. You barely catch yourself from gagging and move to the back of the bus. Two stops later, the offender gets off, but leaves his foul stink floating through the stuffy bus. As new riders board the seats begin to fill up, yet every one of them manages to avoid the tainted seat. Until one unlucky fellow sits in the cesspool, thereby bathing his clothes in bum stink. You watch this guy and can relate to him. He looks almost like you. He definitely smells the bum stink. He’s wondering if it’s his seat. He looks around. You notice that the bus is completely packed. The sardines in the back were now spread evenly through the length of the bus. You can see this guy wants to move. With no option but to take it, the poor guy shrugs his shoulders, puts on his earphones, and you all continue on your merry ways. As you exit the bus downtown you wallow in the fresh air of car exhaust, thankful you are finally off that stinky bus. As you begin to sip your coffee, you catch a faint whiff of bum stink. You dump out the thermoses tainted contents and continue on your merry way.
Now, picture this: It’s 8:30 a.m. You’re waiting at the bus stop, dreading standing up for the 20-minute-ride downtown, yadayadayada. As the bus doors open the smell slaps you in the face. You look around for the source of this stench and notice an empty seat. There are rarely open seats on this bus. You’re excitement about this rarity clouds your logic and you sit down in the stinkhole. After a few stops, the stench is almost unbearable. You realize this is obviously the bum seat. A wave of embarrassment and panic washes over you. You look around and notice the bus has filled up around you. There is nothing you can do but soak in the stench. You exit the bus downtown, thankful to be away from that tainted seat. You run your fingers along the backside of your pants and lift your hand to your nose. You breath in that wretched smell again and immediately gag. You are now tainted with bum smell. Do you go to work smelling like a bum? Do you call in sick ten minutes before your shift? You decide to tough it out and continue on your not so merry way. You sit in your cubicle and you can still smell the bum. Others in you office don’t notice the smell, but in your stinky paranoia, you swear they’re giving you the stink eye. You catch faint whiffs of bum smell throughout the day. Whether the smell is real or imagined is irrelevant. The bum smell undoubtedly ruined your day. You don’t feel right until you get home and shower. Now free of all smells bum, you are curious if you were truly carrying around bum stink all day. You pick up your pants, smell the backside, and immediately gag. Bum smell is transferable. That’s fucking gross.
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